I Choose Pretty Over Safe Any Day

While driving home in the pretty pretty snow that everyone around here bitches about so much, I realized how rare it is to get moments alone on the road. The snow covers everything evenly and you're not quite sure where to direct your car. It's still and quiet and I'm forced to drive slowly and take it all in. I could choose whether to crawl along, surrounded by nervous drivers on all sides on a salty highway covered with streetlights, or ... I could choose the secondary roads they don't plow. The roads my car might have trouble twisting around the corners and getting up hills and slipsliding into gutters. The roads where I get to be responsible for my own safety and destiny. Have I always been this stupid -- to choose the long, arduous, more visually appealing road than the safe, quick, boring one? Yes. It's the same reason I choose grocery stores that are more expensive - they have better lighting and smaller aisles. The same reason I put on lipstick even when I'm sick - it makes me feel better. The same reason I make the bed every morning - it convinces me that part of the room is clean.

I was listening to my favorite paranormal podcast today and the hosts took turns going to a hypnotist to regress into their past lives. They had totally different experiences while under, but their trancy, slurred responses to questions  about where they were and what they were wearing were mesmerizing. I've wanted to go to a hypnotist since I saw Dead Again and convinced myself that my past life, too, would totally be glamorous and full of intrigue. In reality, I'm probably the guy in prehistoric times who gets eaten by the lion, a la Albert Brooks in Defending Your Life. But I do kind of wonder if I'm the same now as I was in the past, despite the circumstances. Have I always chosen aesthetics over safety and survival? If we're to believe there are past lives buried in each of our subconsciousnesses, then we have to believe they carry part of who we are now in every single one. So I probably have never been any braver, or smarter, or more interesting than I am now.

And in a weird way, I find that kind of comforting.

Rollergirl Dustbunny Service

Tonight at practice the roller rink benefited from the rare and glorious cleaning service of rollergirls. We split up into partners to participate in the dreaded falls & sprawls (which basically means you skate fast and fall all the way to your belly, then get up and skate fast again for like ... forever) over and over until all our sparkly rollergirl flare was gray, and the rink was spotless. Ugh. It's a tough job ... we don't trade up our special rollergirl powers for just any task. Then we did Blood & Thunder, which is the "last man standing" drill of derby. Objective: Get out there and hit bitches until you're the last one left. The catch: If you get knocked down, you're out. So I immediately went after one target, bounced off of her, and she retaliated and took us both out. Blood & Thunder over. I was, however, extremely proud to see my fellow meaties out there up against some of the toughest rollergirls in our league, narrowly escaping hit after hit! It was like watching the Tyrannosaurs Rexes of the world chasing down the Triceratopses (Were the T-Rexes their predators? I have no idea) and getting nothing for dinner that night. It was natural selection.

Rollergirl Dustbunny Service

Tonight at practice the roller rink benefited from the rare and glorious cleaning service of rollergirls. We split up into partners to participate in the dreaded falls & sprawls (which basically means you skate fast and fall all the way to your belly, then get up and skate fast again for like ... forever) over and over until all our sparkly rollergirl flare was gray, and the rink was spotless. Ugh. It's a tough job ... we don't trade up our special rollergirl powers for just any task. Then we did Blood & Thunder, which is the "last man standing" drill of derby. Objective: Get out there and hit bitches until you're the last one left. The catch: If you get knocked down, you're out. So I immediately went after one target, bounced off of her, and she retaliated and took us both out. Blood & Thunder over. I was, however, extremely proud to see my fellow meaties out there up against some of the toughest rollergirls in our league, narrowly escaping hit after hit! It was like watching the Tyrannosaurs Rexes of the world chasing down the Triceratopses (Were the T-Rexes their predators? I have no idea) and getting nothing for dinner that night. It was natural selection.

My Ass is Definitely Bigger

Yesterday I decided to bust out the tape measure so I could order some booty shorts, and I was struck by how many inches my hips have grown. Which may be the cause for some alarm in most women but actually makes me a little proud. I've always been built like a 12-year-old boy, so the fact that I have any curve-age at all is encouraging. Just like when I was in ballet and I built my arch up, derby has allowed me to build my ass up.

http://derbyskinz.com/

My Ass is Definitely Bigger

Yesterday I decided to bust out the tape measure so I could order some booty shorts, and I was struck by how many inches my hips have grown. Which may be the cause for some alarm in most women but actually makes me a little proud. I've always been built like a 12-year-old boy, so the fact that I have any curve-age at all is encouraging. Just like when I was in ballet and I built my arch up, derby has allowed me to build my ass up.

http://derbyskinz.com/

It Starts Now

My thumb hurts. Yesterday was supposed to have been the culmination of a year and two month's hard work - my first roller derby bout. I would've finally had a chance to see what I was really made of and whether or not the training had made me capable of bouting in public. Instead, it snowed a lot more than expected and stalled all the normal derby activities that usually occur.

Along with one active and one inactive rollergirl, I spent a scary amount of time driving to the bout venue, navigating trapped cars and trying not to slip too much on the ice ourselves. When we arrived, I got to participate in the dreaded setting up of the track - an activity I'd heard referred to many times and dreaded as some part of rollergirl initiation. See, our league doesn't have its own arena or track to use solely for the purpose of derby. So we practice at roller rinks and bout at an arena normally devoted to soccer. So that means that on bout day, volunteers have to show up hours before the start to lay down our rollerskating track. First there were rows and rows of 3' x 5' plywood that had to be lined up, shoved together, and aligned with a mallet. I put my hands in the wrong position the first time I shoved the plywood together and -- *yeep*. My thumb twinged and moved in a way it wasn't supposed to. "Thank god this is derby, not thumb wrestling," a passing rollergirl chimed in. Next, we slid slabs of skating track off of a pile and, with the help of a partner, carried it out to distribute on the wood planks. I found the slabs unwieldy and kept nearly dropping them, but luckily my partner was forgiving. The underside of the slabs was full of plastic hooks that should've made grasping easier, but instead hooked onto my thighs and threatened to de-pants me. Looking around at all the people working away - rollergirls, rollergirl fans, rollergirl spouses, volunteers, announcers - I wanted to make sure I at least did my part to help with the manual labor. This is one hardworking goddamn league.

After a little over an hour, I left with my rollergirl carpool and made the trek back home to get ready. I heard more advice on what to do and what not to do in my first bout.

"They're going to go after you, because you're new, so be ready for it from the start."

"Trust me, they hold back in scrimmage - you're going to feel what it's like to really be hit by them now."

"Make sure you don't eat too much or too little."

"The floor is definitely different to skate AND fall on - make sure you warm up as much as possible on it."

Luckily the return trip was shorter than the initial trip to the arena, because I was already full to the brim with terrifying warnings. My stomach tied up with nerves and I started wondering why on earth I ever decided to do this. Sure, it's been fun and absolutely thrilling so far, but maybe - just maybe - my derring-do wasn't going to pay off. Maybe this whole becoming a rollergirl thing was just a stupid idea.

The snow continued to fall, and the bout was cancelled. Clearly, I have mixed feelings about it that I hesitate to admit to other people, but overall I was relieved.

  • I started learning how to rollerskate in October '08.
  • I passed try-outs and made the league in August '09.
  • In November I passed my first assessment - proving I was safe to scrimmage.
  • A week and a half ago I passed my second assessment - proving I was safe to bout.
  • Last Wednesday I was drafted to a team.

It's all so thrilling and sudden and although I was so ecstatic to be drafted in time to play in our first bout of the season, I was a little wary of being drafted right before. Days before. I've barely gotten to know my teammates, and I've skated with them once in scrimmage. So, yeah -- I'm grateful for this extra time to get slightly more used to things before skating in front of hundreds of people. Thank you winter! (But shh -- don't tell anyone -- everyone else is pretty pissed we had to cancel.)

Thus begins my first year as a rollergirl rookie.

It Starts Now

My thumb hurts. Yesterday was supposed to have been the culmination of a year and two month's hard work - my first roller derby bout. I would've finally had a chance to see what I was really made of and whether or not the training had made me capable of bouting in public. Instead, it snowed a lot more than expected and stalled all the normal derby activities that usually occur.

Along with one active and one inactive rollergirl, I spent a scary amount of time driving to the bout venue, navigating trapped cars and trying not to slip too much on the ice ourselves. When we arrived, I got to participate in the dreaded setting up of the track - an activity I'd heard referred to many times and dreaded as some part of rollergirl initiation. See, our league doesn't have its own arena or track to use solely for the purpose of derby. So we practice at roller rinks and bout at an arena normally devoted to soccer. So that means that on bout day, volunteers have to show up hours before the start to lay down our rollerskating track. First there were rows and rows of 3' x 5' plywood that had to be lined up, shoved together, and aligned with a mallet. I put my hands in the wrong position the first time I shoved the plywood together and -- *yeep*. My thumb twinged and moved in a way it wasn't supposed to. "Thank god this is derby, not thumb wrestling," a passing rollergirl chimed in. Next, we slid slabs of skating track off of a pile and, with the help of a partner, carried it out to distribute on the wood planks. I found the slabs unwieldy and kept nearly dropping them, but luckily my partner was forgiving. The underside of the slabs was full of plastic hooks that should've made grasping easier, but instead hooked onto my thighs and threatened to de-pants me. Looking around at all the people working away - rollergirls, rollergirl fans, rollergirl spouses, volunteers, announcers - I wanted to make sure I at least did my part to help with the manual labor. This is one hardworking goddamn league.

After a little over an hour, I left with my rollergirl carpool and made the trek back home to get ready. I heard more advice on what to do and what not to do in my first bout.

"They're going to go after you, because you're new, so be ready for it from the start."

"Trust me, they hold back in scrimmage - you're going to feel what it's like to really be hit by them now."

"Make sure you don't eat too much or too little."

"The floor is definitely different to skate AND fall on - make sure you warm up as much as possible on it."

Luckily the return trip was shorter than the initial trip to the arena, because I was already full to the brim with terrifying warnings. My stomach tied up with nerves and I started wondering why on earth I ever decided to do this. Sure, it's been fun and absolutely thrilling so far, but maybe - just maybe - my derring-do wasn't going to pay off. Maybe this whole becoming a rollergirl thing was just a stupid idea.

The snow continued to fall, and the bout was cancelled. Clearly, I have mixed feelings about it that I hesitate to admit to other people, but overall I was relieved.

  • I started learning how to rollerskate in October '08.
  • I passed try-outs and made the league in August '09.
  • In November I passed my first assessment - proving I was safe to scrimmage.
  • A week and a half ago I passed my second assessment - proving I was safe to bout.
  • Last Wednesday I was drafted to a team.

It's all so thrilling and sudden and although I was so ecstatic to be drafted in time to play in our first bout of the season, I was a little wary of being drafted right before. Days before. I've barely gotten to know my teammates, and I've skated with them once in scrimmage. So, yeah -- I'm grateful for this extra time to get slightly more used to things before skating in front of hundreds of people. Thank you winter! (But shh -- don't tell anyone -- everyone else is pretty pissed we had to cancel.)

Thus begins my first year as a rollergirl rookie.