This weekend I spent time hanging out with darling friends and family. Some of whom were kind enough to navigate the tricksy FODMAPs land (the land in which I currently live) and bring me some gluten-free, soy-free, dairy-free cupcakes so I could partake in a fine friend's birthday activities. It was such a sweet gesture, and I so appreciated it. But unfortunately there comes a time . . . when you're on a diet like mine . . . that you realize that what you're eating is not, in fact, a cupcake. It's good, and it's something that was baked and has icing on top and resides in a paper cup . . . But it's not a cupcake. It might be a muffin, or a paperweight. You're not exactly sure. It's even quite good, even though the icing is a little too hard to wash off your fingers. I learned this mistake my last birthday when I attempted to get a gluten-free, soy-free, dairy-free birthday cake for my birthday. I was so excited I couldn't believe I could still have birthday cake and eat it too! Half of that sentence ended up being true. I think the problem was that the bakery gave me the option of ordering different types of cake, so I picked yellow cake with chocolate icing. Going in and getting a dark brown cake with toffee icing wouldn't have been so weird if I hadn't been expecting a certain something. The fact that my party guests could stick a fork in said cake and it would take a good 45 minutes to fall out of it ... I'm just saying, much like the vegetarian fake meat manufacturers of the world (I'm looking at you, pepperphony!), the GF/SF/DF baking community might need a bit of rebranding. Let the gluteneers have their stupid cupcakes. I'm sure we could whip up something with almond flour that tastes way better anyway.
Eat Your Lipstick
Monica Gallagher is a comic book creator, illustrator and freelance designer making work for hire with a positive, feminist spin.
SPX, Table W29, Bethesda, MD – September 17-18, 2016